The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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