can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
