Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
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It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
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My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful