his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular