trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
