Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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