i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
