I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
