Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
