i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
