I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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