Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
