I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
