Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Just cropdusted the office
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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