Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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