I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
