On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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