Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
