genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
My pussy is not your playground.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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