Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
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It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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