Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
