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• (847): View more from Illinois

  My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How unfortunate for your Mom.

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• (720): View more from Colorado

  I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.

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• (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number

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• (979): View more from Texas

  You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

  (713): View more from Texas

  When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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• (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.

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• (802): View more from Vermont

  Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?

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• (218): View more from Minnesota

  You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.

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• (217): View more from Illinois

  this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members

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• (760): View more from California

  Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.

  (818): View more from California

  Because it is cat.

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• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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• (519): View more from Ontario

  You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned

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• (812): View more from Indiana

  He said he wanted to "superfuck" me

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Does he wear a cape??

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• (903): View more from Texas

  I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?

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• (207): View more from Maine

  My farts smell like burning tires and false courage

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