Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
