I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
