I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship