Texts From Last Night

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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.

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  (250): i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week. http://tfl.nu/bxis
  Replies (12) Good night (772) Bad night (1481)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.

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  (859): I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum. http://tfl.nu/asaw
  Replies (36) Good night (2866) Bad night (795)
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?

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  (802): Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever? http://tfl.nu/bljl
  Replies (88) Good night (5715) Bad night (810)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.

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  (913): Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline. http://tfl.nu/h7vn
  Replies (15) Good night (3131) Bad night (959)
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  (406): View more from Montana

  you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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  (406): you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College" http://tfl.nu/x9bo
  Replies (13) Good night (4004) Bad night (994)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?

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  (970): Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer? http://tfl.nu/hh36
  Replies (3) Good night (2360) Bad night (578)
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring

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  (269): They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring http://tfl.nu/up4a
  Replies (4) Good night (1701) Bad night (797)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days

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  (405): I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days http://tfl.nu/vazm
  Replies (6) Good night (1818) Bad night (899)
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  (432): View more from Texas

  I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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  (432): I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line. http://tfl.nu/q8nl
  Replies (20) Good night (4621) Bad night (995)
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  (914): View more from New York

  Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off

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  (914): Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off http://tfl.nu/fxgn
  Replies (8) Good night (1365) Bad night (625)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.

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  (407): For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it. http://tfl.nu/uopt
  Replies (18) Good night (555) Bad night (1424)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?

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  (773): Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school? http://tfl.nu/w1lv
  Replies (14) Good night (487) Bad night (1406)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.

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  (425): You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows. http://tfl.nu/kzgw
  Replies (1) Good night (890) Bad night (359)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  How did you get him out of the shower last time?

  (1-727): View more from Florida

  Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.

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  (727): How did you get him out of the shower last time? (1-727): Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed. http://tfl.nu/m3jy
  Replies (0) Good night (819) Bad night (250)
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."

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  (615): Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy." http://tfl.nu/rhbz
  Replies (1) Good night (688) Bad night (545)

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