I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
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They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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