I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
