Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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