The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
