I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
