Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
