I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
After tacos, we're chasing women.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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