youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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