i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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