he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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