Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
