Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So squirting runs in the family.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
