I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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