There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
