Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
