so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
