just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
