guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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