So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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