Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
