I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
