Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
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I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
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My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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