Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
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