I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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