she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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