cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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