If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
