Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
We need a shit load of segways right now
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
