Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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