Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
