Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
