So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Randomize
