if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
So. Much. Porn.
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