Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
