umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
